The Wisdom of Avoiding Strife

Conflict is hard.

Defining Strife

By “conflict,” I’m referring not to everyday disagreements, but to the sort of disagreements that look like knock-down, drag-em-out fights, that turn people into enemies of one another. The book of Proverbs refers to such situations as “strife.”

These are situations with neighbors or coworkers who find every opportunity to ridicule your Christian faith and try to make you angry so you slip up. Or classmates who act respectfully in public, but in private their mouths pour forth repulsive profanity and epithets in your direction. Or extended family members who point out your every flaw, claim they know you but they really don’t, and wield their expectations and gossip like hot pokers to manipulate you into doing what they want.

Responses to Strife

Sometimes Christians think God wants them to become punching bags. And at other times, perhaps in rejection of the punching-bag approach, Christians harden themselves to the point of arrogance and condescension toward their opponents.

But what does it mean to fight like a Christian in situations of strife?

Make no mistake: Enemies are real, and God wants his people not to fall before enemies but to overcome them. And the way we fight is what makes the difference.

What God Deems Honorable

Sometimes we get this crazy idea that protecting one’s honor means not turning aside from a threat or a fight. And to back down from a fight is cowardly.

But such notions are contrary to the Lord’s definition of honor. They are nothing but schoolyard foolishness.

It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling.

Proverbs 20:3

The Lord values and honors the person mature enough to keep aloof from strife. Those who enjoy, initiate, or perpetuate quarrels are fools. They’re after their own self-respect and self-image, and are therefore to be avoided whenever possible. Even if it feels like you are giving up quite a bit, or suffering in the shadow of death, to do so.

The Time and Place to Fight

Now there is a time and place for protecting the innocent and standing up for the rights of the oppressed.

If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small. Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter. If you say, “Behold, we did not know this,” does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who keeps watch over your soul know it, and will he not repay man according to his work?

Proverbs 24:10-12

So the Lord certainly calls his people to fight at the right time and for the right reasons: When the innocent or naive are under threat. When the good and safety of others is at stake.

But not merely to defend one’s own honor.

So it is wise to be aware of those situations when strife is likely to break out, so that, whenever possible, you can avoid them. And when are those times? What are some potential causes of strife we ought to avoid?

Causes of Strife

History of quarreling

First, we should watch out for those with a history of quarreling.

A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating.

Proverbs 18:6

If you have seen someone quarreling in the past, they are likely to continue it in the future. If you have a history of getting drawn into quarrels with someone, it may be best to avoid that person. Because the more opportunity you give a fool to talk, the more he will invite you to beat on him. And you’ll be sorely tempted to grant him this wish.

Pride

Second, watch out for pride.

By insolence comes nothing but strife, but with those who take advice is wisdom.

Proverbs 13:10

“Insolence” is the sort of pride that isn’t merely self-centered, but self-centered in a way that rejects instruction, refuses correction, and tries to cancel those who disagree.

‌So when someone has a track record of attacking people who try to help them, you are better off staying away. When you know such a person is likely to pick a fight, just keep your advice and correction to yourself.

‌That’s right. Sometimes you can best avoid strife by keeping your mouth shut, and by not offering instruction that might help someone, when you know they don’t want it.

‌So when your classmates or coworkers have potty mouths, it is probably wise not to correct them, lest they turn to direct their venom at you. It is not wise for Christians to see themselves as the “sin police,” or to take it upon themselves to call people out whenever they do something wrong.

‌No, please save your correction for those who will receive it. Or for those situations when the innocent are being harmed, or the naive could be led astray. You can avoid strife by not offering advice or correction where it is not wanted.

Hot Tempers

Third, watch for hot tempers.

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.

Proverbs 15:18

Make sure you keep a check on your own temper. Self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, so controlling your own spirit is critical.‌ It is also wise to recognize when others have a hot temper, so you can avoid them whenever possible.

‌The thing about anger is that it always makes us feel right. We think in the moment that getting more heated will persuade others to agree with us. But in truth the only thing a hot temper ever accomplishes is to stir up strife. So avoid it in yourself and others.

Backbiting

Finally, watch out for backbiting.

The north wind brings forth rain, and a backbiting tongue, angry looks.

Proverbs 25:23

This is related to anger and foolish speech, but a backbiting tongue is an insidious companion. This is what happens when temper and folly go passive-aggressive. So perhaps we don’t crank up the volume and start shouting. Instead, we turn down the volume and mutter things under our breath. Or we wait until the conversation is nearly complete, and then we toss out a biting closing statement like a shot of napalm.

‌Perhaps you get to the end of a tense conversation that resulted in a difficult compromise. Those engaged ask one another whether this is now settled, and you respond with, “It’s fine.” And your backbiting tone communicates that the situation is anything but fine. But if anyone follows up and asks what’s wrong, your defense is already locked and loaded: “I said, it’s fine! Gosh, what’s wrong with you people!”

‌And it’s clearly not fine. Perhaps because you weren’t honest enough up front about your full concern. Or perhaps because you have lost hold of your self-control when you needed it most. Either way, just as a north wind in the Middle East brings rain, so now your backbiting tongue brings angry looks which lead to strife.

‌What now?

So in the end, the way of wisdom is to avoid strife whenever possible. Beware of hot tempers, quarrelsome behaviors, insolent attitudes, and backbiting tongues.

‌This really feels like death, doesn’t it, to avoid strife, when the world shouts that we’re cowards unless we defend our own honor? Yet to fight like a Christian means avoiding the fight whenever possible.

‌But sometimes, it’s just not possible, is it? There are times when we make costly mistakes that cause strife. And there are times when strife hunts us down regardless of how hard we try to avoid it. What do we do then?

We’ll need to look at more proverbs for further help.