When conflict gets messy and personal, the book of Proverbs refers to it as “strife.” And the first objective for a man or woman of wisdom is to avoid strife whenever possible. The Lord declares those who avoid strife to be honorable (Prov 20:3).
But sometimes, it’s just not possible, is it? There are times when we make costly mistakes that cause strife. And there are times when strife hunts us down regardless of how hard we try to avoid it. What do we do then?
Navigating strife requires a wise and mature perspective. Reject the folly of simplistic answers, because human strife is quite a complex dynamic between people. Immature solutions will only end up making it worse.
The Problem with Toothpaste
Though the wise will try to avoid strife whenever possible, they recognize that once it squirts out, you can’t try to shove the toothpaste back into the tube and pretend nothing happened.
The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.
Proverbs 17:14
“Letting out water” is the ancient equivalent of “toothpaste out of the tube.” Water has no shape in and of itself. When the dam breaks, the water gushes, and you’ll never get it back to where it was.
So the wise understand that sometimes, it becomes too late. When the quarrel breaks out, you can’t stuff it up and pretend that nothing happened.
So if you explode in anger at someone, it’s not okay to come back the next day and sweep it under the rug. Yes, it’s uncomfortable to talk about. Yes, it’s awkward and difficult. No, you don’t want to be tempted to explode yet again.
But once the dam breaks and the water is out, we now have something we must talk about and reconcile.
- What led to it?
- What were you fearing or believing at the time that caused you to feel so threatened?
- What did you think would be accomplished by yelling in anger?
- What would be a better choice to make next time?
Now, that sort of conversation works only between reasonable people who want to do what is right. What if you couldn’t bail in time for a quarrel to erupt with someone who is a fool?
The Rage of Fools
If a wise man has an argument with a fool, the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet.
Proverbs 29:9
The thing a wise person will understand is that most fools do not want to resolve strife. They want only to be right and to be served. And the harder you press on them to back down, compromise, or find righteous resolution, the more you will only subject yourself to ongoing rage and ridicule.
So there is a time and a place for the wise to not pursue reconciliation with someone who does not want it.
When Jesus was on trial before wicked men who had already made up their minds, Jesus did not try to reconcile things with them! He simply stood before them as silent as a lamb led to slaughter. He had a more important task underway than reconciliation with raging fools.
Now in the book of Romans, the apostle Paul commands Christians to live at peace with all men, so far as it depends on you (Rom 12:18). So do all you can to serve, to persuade, and to reconcile. But please recognize the intricate complexity of strife with fools.
The time is likely to come when the best thing you can do is close your mouth and just slowly step away.
The Raising of Defenses
Another thing that makes strife complex is how personal it can get. And because it gets so personal, strife has the effect of hardening people to one another.
A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, and quarreling is like the bars of a castle.
Proverbs 18:19
This verse talks not about a fool but about a brother. Someone close to you, from your own family! Even perhaps, from the family of God.
Sometimes, strife arises from a deep violation of trust and respect. Dealing with such strife is quite complex, because we cannot expect trust to be restored very quickly.
For example, let’s say a person discovers their spouse viewing pornography. This is nothing short of adultery, and it often causes feelings of severe pain and betrayal. The offending spouse may be willing to come clean, ask for help, seek counseling. They may even take drastic action to cut the sin out of their life. There is a transaction of forgiveness that must take place.
But even when forgiveness is requested and granted, there remains a fortified city that must now be won over. Trust is not quickly restored.
It is legitimate for a person to forgive someone for an offense, but to also to need more time to see real change before they can let down their walls to trust again.
Please don’t ignore such complexity. Be wise about recognizing it and allowing for it.
The Plurality of Perspective
One last thing about the complexity of strife is that there is always more than one way to perceive a situation.
The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.
Proverbs 18:17
Perhaps you have a friend who has been deeply hurt, or who has been struggling with a certain relationship. It is godly and needful to come alongside that person with a listening ear. Ask questions and listen to their pain and hurt. Ask them what went wrong and how it could be improved.
But the wise person will keep in mind that this person’s perspective is not the only perspective. Cross-examination is a basic principle of justice that God built into societies.
So while it’s one thing to care for a friend by empathizing with what they have experienced, if you are ever called upon to make a judgment about a situation—or to attempt to fix it or assist with reconciliation—it is not wise for you to draw conclusions after hearing only one side of the story.
To give a rather straightforward illustration: When a family has more than one child, there is bound to be strife among siblings in the home. And when my wife and I became parents, we committed ourselves to never bring disciplinary action against a child on account of the accusation of a single, embittered sibling.
In other words, my son, if you tell me that “he hit me!”—that is not sufficient to warrant a judgment of discipline.
More evidence is required. And the accused always gets to have just as much of a hearing as the accuser. If there were any other witnesses, that might be enough. If there is video evidence, that helps. Or if the accused confesses to the crime, then we’ve got the right suspect.
But a he said/she said is never enough to convict. That goes for parenting. That goes for society’s justice system. And that goes for counseling and advising your own friends.
Wouldn’t the world be such a better place if social media had algorithms built into it to recognize that the first one to label himself or herself “victim” seems right, until others come and examine them? I am not saying that people who claim to be victims are wrong. I am only saying that all sides of a situation must be heard and evidence must be taken into account, before any sort of objective judgment is drawn.
Summary
Strife sure is complex, isn’t it?
You can’t pretend it didn’t happen.
You can’t resolve it with a fool.
Trust is really hard to restore.
And there are always more sides to the story.
Part of what it means to fight like a Christian is to recognize such complexity. Yet awareness is only the first reaction, the fundamental perspective a wise person ought to develop amid situations of strife. Once the complexity has been recognized, what is the wise man or woman of God to do about it?
That will require us to search out more proverbs to guide us.
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