What do you do when people turn against you? When those who reject the Lord Jesus Christ come after you for daring to follow him? When nitpicking and backstabbing are the standard operating procedure in the workplace? When family members use guilt and pressure to manipulate you into doing what they want?
What do you do when your friends turn against you and become your enemies?
The book of Proverbs refers to such situations as “strife,” and I’ve previously addressed the causes and complexities of such strife. It’s one thing to try to avoid strife. But what do you do when the dam breaks and the water has come rushing out (Prov 17:14)? When your enemies come after you, and there’s no possibility of staying away?
God does not ask his people to live as idiotic simpletons or punching bags. God wants his people to overcome strife and evil (Rom 12:21). But the way you overcome it matters. To win the fight in the wrong way is to lose.
Fundamental Mindset: What You Can Control
To begin with, the Lord doesn’t expect you or me to try to take his place. None of us can get what we want or predetermine any outcomes. That means we can’t control what others will do; we can control only what we do.
Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man.
Proverbs 3:3-4
When we focus on what we can do in the midst of strife, we are best equipped to live in a way that pleases the Lord. To speak and act with steadfast love and faithfulness and so imitate the God who has shown steadfast love and faithfulness toward us.
Five Tactics: Overcome by Dying
Once we’ve got the right mindset, we’re ready to practice five tactics found along the way of wisdom.
Waived Rights
Do not say, “I will repay evil”; wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you.
Proverbs 20:22
Strife often tempts us to assert our rights—especially the rights to make a defense and to see justice served. But the middle of a heated conversation is typically not the best time for asserting such rights.
The repayment of evil could take the form of vengeance. Even socially acceptable vengeance. For example, if a bully trips a kid walking down the hallway, nobody would complain if that kid got the bully back by tripping him in another hallway. Similarly, when someone shouts and swears at you, it might feel like justice to shout and swear back. But the wise wait for the Lord to deliver them.
The repayment of evil can also take the form of simply seeking to set the record straight or present your resume of good deeds. But it’s usually better to keep quiet and let your enemy show off his folly for all to see.
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.
Proverbs 29:11
The Lord honors such wisdom, when a person waives their right to speak their mind or to defend their actions. But it feels like death to do this.
Genuine Questions
If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.
Proverbs 18:13
The fool always comes out swinging, spouting accusations. But the wise person knows that there is always more to a situation than meets the eye. So—even when they feel great offense by the terrible and false things said about them—they know they don’t have all the facts, and they take the time to hear out their accusers.
And no matter how ridiculous the accusations may appear, something remarkable happens when—instead of going right into their defense—a wise person instead asks questions.
- I didn’t realize you felt that way. Can you please tell me more?
- What did I say or do that caused you so much pain?
- What did you think I meant by it?
- How could I have done it differently?
- How would you like to see our relationship improve?
It’s amazing how disarming such questions can be. Perhaps you really screwed up, and your enemy is just not expressing his concern in a wise manner. If you are wise, you can still learn from it. And if your opponent’s perspective is foolish and unreasonable, your honest questions may give every onlooker the opportunity to see that folly and unreasonableness for themselves.
The Lord honors such wisdom, when a person chooses not to defend themself but makes sure they first have fully understood their opponent’s perspective. But it feels like death to this, especially if you are the only person who cares about trying to understand before being understood.
Compelling Truth
When it’s eventually time for you to speak and offer some of your own answers, you’ll want to do it as compellingly as possible.
That means minding your tone:
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1
It also means speaking only verifiable truth:
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.
Proverbs 15:2
If you have done the work of calming your enemy down by asking loads of questions, and by communicating how much you desire to understand their perspective, why would you then wreck the whole thing by responding with a harsh word? Why would you let your disappointment and frustration take over? A harsh word will accomplish nothing except stirring their anger back up.
And if you are wise, your tongue will commend knowledge. In other words, it will formally praise the truth. It will present what is true as something worthy of approval and acceptance.
Maybe that sounds self-evident, but most of us don’t do it.
- If your response to your enemy begins with, “You always…,” then you are not commending knowledge. You are pouring out folly, because nobody “always” says or does the wrong thing.
- If you frame your response to your enemy as, “I feel that…,” then you are probably not commending knowledge, because the main issue is not how you feel but what was actually said or done.
- If you allow your severe emotions to warp the facts in any way, you are not commending knowledge, because we’re never justified to twist reality or rewrite history in order to get our own way.
The Lord honors such wisdom, when a person minds their tone and speaks only verifiable truth. This is how they make the truth compelling. But it feels like death to do this, especially if you are the only person in the room who seems to care about such gentle truth.
Authentic Confession
When our self-protective alarm systems kick in, we’re generally quick and eager to defend our every word and deed. But the way of wisdom is to be patient and not be hasty in rendering such self-acquittal.
It is a snare to say rashly, “It is holy,” and to reflect only after making vows.
Proverbs 20:25
So don’t be so quick to label your actions or motivations as holy in the heat of the moment. Don’t be quick to judge yourself as being without guilt. Don’t let fear drive you to make irrational excuses for yourself.
Who can say, “I have made my heart pure; I am clean from my sin”?
Proverbs 20:9
It is true that we must not make stuff up or apologize for things that aren’t sins (Isaiah 5:20-21). But even with that said, it is simply a fact of reality that I am still a sinner who has not yet been made perfect. I should be able to find something in the accusations against me that has a ring of truth. I can take ownership of that, call it what it is, and confess it authentically, without a hint of bitterness or resentment.
The Lord honors such wisdom, when a person doesn’t make excuses, but takes ownership to confess everything they can legitimately confess as sin or weakness. But it feels like death to do this, especially if you are the only person in the room who seems to take any responsibility for their own actions.
God Pleasing
In the midst of strife, some people are desperate to please themselves, so they fight until they win. And other people are desperate to please their enemies, so they stop fighting and roll over, just to calm things down.
But the Lord says there is only One whom we must please. And if we do, in fact, please him, it changes everything.
When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
Proverbs 16:7
Is this for real? We’ll need one more post to examine how the Lord Jesus overcame his enemies so that our ways might please the Lord.
This was a supernaturally timed word from the Lord. Thank you for your obedience in writing what He put on your heart to share with His children.
“When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.” That verse needs qualifying. It is not applicable in all situations.
Our Lord Jesus and his apostles {except John} pleased God but they were persecuted to death. Except for Judas Iscariot, all were martyred in different ways, different places, different times. Some O.T. prophets were killed, i.e. Isaiah – cut in half. Others were mocked and manhandled, i.e. Jeremiah. Daniel was thrown in the den of lions.
The statement — I should be able to find something in the accusations against me that has a ring of truth — needs qualifying, too.
Be it known that Satan is the accuser of the brethren. {It says so in Revelation 12.} His very name means slanderer and accuser. The Hebrew term śāṭān (Hebrew: שָׂטָן) is a generic noun meaning “accuser” or “adversary” and is derived from a verb meaning primarily “to obstruct, oppose.” In the Septuagint, the Hebrew ha-Satan in Job and Zechariah is translated by the Greek word diabolos (slanderer), the same word in the Greek New Testament from which the English word “devil” is derived.
That being true, why would anyone find a ring of truth in what the devil has to say? Does it not say in John 8 that he is a liar? “…Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it…”
Thank you, Lucille, for taking the time to engage with these Scriptures productively. I am grateful for your reflection on how these principles correlate with the rest of the Bible.
Regarding Prov 16:7 (“When a man’s ways please the Lord…”), I would agree with you that it needs qualifying. And I would agree that it does not apply to all situations, though perhaps not in the way you express.
The verse does not promise *immediate* peace, or peace in the *present age*. Proverbs itself recognizes that a righteous person will be knocked down by enemies from time to time (Prov 24:15-16). But the assurance is that such falling will always be followed by rising, even to final resurrection (Prov 15:24). Similarly, for those whose ways please the Lord, there will be no hostility with enemies in the age to come. The Lord will make all enemies to be at peace with his people in the end, though it may be a long and difficult road to get there.
With respect to accusations: I concede that Satan is an accuser and liar. Yet the most persuasive lies are those with a ring of truth to them. For example, Satan’s first lie to humanity (Gen 3:4) was made more persuasive by an appeal to the truth (Gen 3:5 – confirmed by God in Gen 3:22).
In the midst of strife, the truth of the gospel—that in Christ, I have already been acquitted in heaven’s highest court—is the very thing that empowers me to find that “ring of truth” in the accusation of my enemies without being crushed by all of their *false* accusations. By then confessing whatever I can, in good conscience, confess, I nullify and disarm my opponents, making peace a far more likely result.
In other words, the Scripture does not ask believers to put their fingers in their ears to shut out every accusation against them. The gospel empowers us to take our fingers out of our ears, hear out our opponents, discern what is true and what is false, and let our reasonableness be known to everyone (Phil 4:5).
Thank you. Please remember how those influenced by Satan will do his bidding. The devil always twists scripture to suit his purpose.
God said to the man, “But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.”
Satan said to the woman, “…Ye shall not surely die:”
Again, the devil is the author of lies.
In Luke 4, Satan twisted scripture in his discourse with Jesus:
The devil said, “For it is written, He shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee. And in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone.”
The psalmist said, ” For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.”
Devil left out words and added words, in trying to get Jesus to act independent of his Father.
In Job 1, Satan lied on God’s servant. Job did not curse God and he did not charge God with wrong doing. And Job’s friends should have kept their so-called counsel to themselves.
So it is clear, to me, to not listen to accusers, false brethren, when they do not know what they are talking about, when they do not have my best interests at heart. It is better to listen to those that are of a pure heart.
In many instances, it is the accusers who need help.