For this week’s Check It Out, I bring you this gem from the fake Christian news site, The Babylon Bee: “Church Small Group Looking Forward To Six-Week Study Of Awkward Silences.” If you’d like to turn your mediocre Bible study into a thing of beauty, just consider following this example:
“I think it’s great how the group is really all participating in making things as awkward as possible,” [Pastor] Parker stated to reporters after the first session. “Trust is so important in a small group, and I know that if I ask anyone any sort of question whatsoever about the text, or application, or life, or anything at all, I will be greeted by a deafening, unbearable, soul-crushing silence that, while in reality only lasts 30 to 45 seconds, goes on for several consecutive eternities within my tortured mind.”
Parker’s small group appears to be off to a great start, according to sources present at the study. Parker’s query, “So, what does ‘redemption’ mean to you?” was met not only by awkward silence, but at least two throat-clearings, two sniffs, and one sudden, brief inhalation. A question about the deity of Christ resulted in multiple Bible pages being rustled in a contrived manner, as well as one uncomfortable murmur before lapsing into abject quietude once more.
“I feel blessed to lead this group,” enthused Parker. “I can hardly wait for our study of Galatians and the empty, mute void of uncomfortable despair ahead.”
