What do you do when people turn against you? When those who reject the Lord Jesus Christ come after you for daring to follow him? When nitpicking and backstabbing are the standard operating procedure in the workplace? When family members use guilt and pressure to manipulate you into doing what they want?
What do you do when your friends turn against you and become your enemies?
The book of Proverbs refers to such situations as “strife,” and I’ve previously addressed the causes and complexities of such strife. It’s one thing to try to avoid strife. But what do you do when the dam breaks and the water has come rushing out (Prov 17:14)? When your enemies come after you, and there’s no possibility of staying away?
God does not ask his people to live as idiotic simpletons or punching bags. God wants his people to overcome strife and evil (Rom 12:21). But the way you overcome it matters. To win the fight in the wrong way is to lose.
Fundamental Mindset: What You Can Control
To begin with, the Lord doesn’t expect you or me to try to take his place. None of us can get what we want or predetermine any outcomes. That means we can’t control what others will do; we can control only what we do.
Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man.
Proverbs 3:3-4
When we focus on what we can do in the midst of strife, we are best equipped to live in a way that pleases the Lord. To speak and act with steadfast love and faithfulness and so imitate the God who has shown steadfast love and faithfulness toward us.
Five Tactics: Overcome by Dying
Once we’ve got the right mindset, we’re ready to practice five tactics found along the way of wisdom.
Waived Rights
Do not say, “I will repay evil”; wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you.
Proverbs 20:22
Strife often tempts us to assert our rights—especially the rights to make a defense and to see justice served. But the middle of a heated conversation is typically not the best time for asserting such rights.
The repayment of evil could take the form of vengeance. Even socially acceptable vengeance. For example, if a bully trips a kid walking down the hallway, nobody would complain if that kid got the bully back by tripping him in another hallway. Similarly, when someone shouts and swears at you, it might feel like justice to shout and swear back. But the wise wait for the Lord to deliver them.
The repayment of evil can also take the form of simply seeking to set the record straight or present your resume of good deeds. But it’s usually better to keep quiet and let your enemy show off his folly for all to see.
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.
Proverbs 29:11
The Lord honors such wisdom, when a person waives their right to speak their mind or to defend their actions. But it feels like death to do this.
Genuine Questions
If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.
Proverbs 18:13
The fool always comes out swinging, spouting accusations. But the wise person knows that there is always more to a situation than meets the eye. So—even when they feel great offense by the terrible and false things said about them—they know they don’t have all the facts, and they take the time to hear out their accusers.
And no matter how ridiculous the accusations may appear, something remarkable happens when—instead of going right into their defense—a wise person instead asks questions.
- I didn’t realize you felt that way. Can you please tell me more?
- What did I say or do that caused you so much pain?
- What did you think I meant by it?
- How could I have done it differently?
- How would you like to see our relationship improve?
It’s amazing how disarming such questions can be. Perhaps you really screwed up, and your enemy is just not expressing his concern in a wise manner. If you are wise, you can still learn from it. And if your opponent’s perspective is foolish and unreasonable, your honest questions may give every onlooker the opportunity to see that folly and unreasonableness for themselves.
The Lord honors such wisdom, when a person chooses not to defend themself but makes sure they first have fully understood their opponent’s perspective. But it feels like death to this, especially if you are the only person who cares about trying to understand before being understood.
Compelling Truth
When it’s eventually time for you to speak and offer some of your own answers, you’ll want to do it as compellingly as possible.
That means minding your tone:
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1
It also means speaking only verifiable truth:
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.
Proverbs 15:2
If you have done the work of calming your enemy down by asking loads of questions, and by communicating how much you desire to understand their perspective, why would you then wreck the whole thing by responding with a harsh word? Why would you let your disappointment and frustration take over? A harsh word will accomplish nothing except stirring their anger back up.
And if you are wise, your tongue will commend knowledge. In other words, it will formally praise the truth. It will present what is true as something worthy of approval and acceptance.
Maybe that sounds self-evident, but most of us don’t do it.
- If your response to your enemy begins with, “You always…,” then you are not commending knowledge. You are pouring out folly, because nobody “always” says or does the wrong thing.
- If you frame your response to your enemy as, “I feel that…,” then you are probably not commending knowledge, because the main issue is not how you feel but what was actually said or done.
- If you allow your severe emotions to warp the facts in any way, you are not commending knowledge, because we’re never justified to twist reality or rewrite history in order to get our own way.
The Lord honors such wisdom, when a person minds their tone and speaks only verifiable truth. This is how they make the truth compelling. But it feels like death to do this, especially if you are the only person in the room who seems to care about such gentle truth.
Authentic Confession
When our self-protective alarm systems kick in, we’re generally quick and eager to defend our every word and deed. But the way of wisdom is to be patient and not be hasty in rendering such self-acquittal.
It is a snare to say rashly, “It is holy,” and to reflect only after making vows.
Proverbs 20:25
So don’t be so quick to label your actions or motivations as holy in the heat of the moment. Don’t be quick to judge yourself as being without guilt. Don’t let fear drive you to make irrational excuses for yourself.
Who can say, “I have made my heart pure; I am clean from my sin”?
Proverbs 20:9
It is true that we must not make stuff up or apologize for things that aren’t sins (Isaiah 5:20-21). But even with that said, it is simply a fact of reality that I am still a sinner who has not yet been made perfect. I should be able to find something in the accusations against me that has a ring of truth. I can take ownership of that, call it what it is, and confess it authentically, without a hint of bitterness or resentment.
The Lord honors such wisdom, when a person doesn’t make excuses, but takes ownership to confess everything they can legitimately confess as sin or weakness. But it feels like death to do this, especially if you are the only person in the room who seems to take any responsibility for their own actions.
God Pleasing
In the midst of strife, some people are desperate to please themselves, so they fight until they win. And other people are desperate to please their enemies, so they stop fighting and roll over, just to calm things down.
But the Lord says there is only One whom we must please. And if we do, in fact, please him, it changes everything.
When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
Proverbs 16:7
Is this for real? We’ll need one more post to examine how the Lord Jesus overcame his enemies so that our ways might please the Lord.