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The Illusion of Sexual Freedom

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Sex is a polarizing concept.  It began beautifully when husband and wife were naked and unashamed (Gen 2:25), but it went downhill when they decided to love themselves more than God or each other (Gen 3:5, 7, 12, 22).  Ever since, we’ve been terribly confused.

joanneteh_32 (2009), Creative Commons

joanneteh_32 (2009), Creative Commons

We need much wisdom to navigate between the proud lewdness of our culture and the traditional prudishness of Christians.  Both sides represent a foolish oversimplification of what God intends sexuality to be, and the simple can get caught in the middle.   And confusion multiplies when culture is prudish and Christians are lewd.  Or when prudish Christians speak about sex as lewdly as the culture does.  Or lewd Christians feign prudishness to fit in.  How can the simple find their way?

In chapter 5 of Proverbs—which we’ll examine over the next few weeks—Solomon provides wisdom in the sexual realm.  He suggests that not all is as it seems (Prov 5:1-6) and that the wrong choices have dire consequences (Prov 5:7-14).  Utter unselfishness in the context of marital love is surprisingly intoxicating (Prov 5:15-20), and those who think they know satisfaction better than God does have sprung their own trap (Prov 5:21-23).

Change, Part 3: Wisdom Comes Out the Fingertips

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Wisdom comes in the ears, through the heart, and out the fingertips. This week, we explore the last step in the chain.

Put away from you crooked speech,
And put devious talk far from you.
Let your eyes look directly forward,
And your gaze be straight before you.
Ponder the path of your feet;
Then all your ways will be sure.
Do not swerve to the right or to the left;
Turn your foot away from evil (Prov. 4:24-27).

Hans Kylberg (2007), Creative Commons

Hans Kylberg (2007), Creative Commons

The last step in the formula takes place when wisdom moves from the heart and out through our fingertips.  These verses speak of “speech,” “talk” (Prov. 4:24), “eyes,” “forward,” “gaze” (Prov. 4:25), “ponder,” “path,” “feet,” “ways” (Prov. 4:26), “right,” “left,” and “foot” (Prov. 4:27). Solomon clearly has in mind everything we do, so I’ll use the image of “fingertips,” out of which seep our everyday choices.

Once wisdom changes who we are, it inevitably affects everything we do. As we listen to wisdom and seek it out, we must consider both how it can sink in more deeply (the heart) and how it can shape us more broadly (the fingertips). What would it look like for you to request help with your money, marriage, singleness, career path, parenting, cooking, hospitality, leadership potential, education, job performance, spiritual life, outreach, eating habits, hobbies, Bible study skills, love life, communication, decision-making process, and vision for life? In which other areas would you like to grow in wisdom? Where are you stuck in difficult situations or bad patterns? Remember: Wisdom has to come in the ears, through the heart, and out the fingertips.

It doesn’t matter what candidates for change you have in mind. It doesn’t matter if it’s a new skill to develop or an old habit to break. It doesn’t matter if there’s exquisite joy or agonizing pain. It doesn’t matter if your history is one of failure or of success.

What matters is that God wants you to change for the better, and he’s throwing the full weight of his resources behind the change movement. Jesus rose from the grave so he could make all things new. If you fear the Lord, you have much reason to hope for the best.

One of my children often used to say “I give up” when something was too hard. I say to you what I often said to that child: “That’s the one thing you must never do. Jesus didn’t give up on you. Let’s trust him, and see what he can do next.”

SNEAK PEEK:

We often struggle with the greatest shame and defeat in the realm of sexual sin. Many people feel stuck there, so in Proverbs 5, 6, and 7, Solomon provides a mini-series on wise sexuality. We’ll begin the series next week by applying some Bible dynamite to calcified cultural stereotypes about sexuality.

Change, Part 2: Wisdom Comes Through the Heart

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Wisdom comes in the ears, through the heart, and out the fingertips. This week, we explore the second step in the chain.

Let them not escape from your sight;
Keep them within your heart.
For they are life to those who find them,
And healing to all their flesh.
Keep your heart with all vigilance,
For from it flow the springs of life (Prov. 4:21-23).

Bill Ward (2009), Creative Commons

Bill Ward (2009), Creative Commons

We find the second part of the formula in verses 21-23. When we plug in to God’s wisdom, and it enters our lives through the ears, we need to connect it to the motherboard. If we bypass the processor and run everything right off RAM, it has no longevity. The moment we power the computer down, we lose our data. We must keep the words within our hearts (Prov. 4:21) and keep our hearts with all vigilance (Prov. 4:23).

For the non-technical folk out there, what I just wrote means that when we hear wisdom, it won’t produce change in us until it affects who we are. “The heart” is one of the chief biblical images for our inner selves: thoughts, beliefs, emotions, character, desires, dreams, fears, and conscience.[1] “Heart” in the Old Testament might be what you got if you combined all the following modern-day terms: mind, will, heart, and conscience.

The Bible says that the heart is the command center from which we manage our lives. When we keep the wise words of life in our hearts (Prov. 4:21), they get passed on to the rest of the flesh (Prov. 4:22) because from the heart flow the springs of life (Prov. 4:23).

Any attempt to change that does not pass through the heart is therefore shallow and temporary. I can learn skills by rote, but I haven’t really changed if they haven’t changed who I am.

For example, if I study for a test, pass it, and quickly forget the material, I haven’t really learned it (it hasn’t hit my heart). If a child wrongs another child, is forced by an adult to apologize and does so sarcastically, we wouldn’t label it remorse. When a man tells his wife he loves her, but covertly keeps a mistress, we have reason to question whether his love is true. If a needy person requests charity from a church, the leaders are right to help relieve the immediate burden while also exploring whether the person could make different choices to avoid having the same need again.

The main point is that wisdom gets us unstuck and changes us by changing who we are.

[1] The other common image is “kidneys” as in Job 16:13, Psalm 139:13, Rev 2:23, etc.

Change, Part 1: Wisdom Comes in the Ears

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Wisdom comes in the ears, through the heart, and out the fingertips (Prov. 4:20-27). This week, we explore the first step in the chain.

My son, be attentive to my words;
Incline your ear to my sayings (Prov. 4:20).

Sudarshan V (2008), Creative Commons

Sudarshan V (2008), Creative Commons

Verse 20 describes the first part of the formula. Wisdom enters through our ears. Solomon explained in 2:1-4 that our listening must involve both passively receiving and actively seeking. Here, he alludes to both components: “be attentive” involves reception, and “incline your ear” implies pursuit. We’ve been over this ground before, but we need to hear it many times for it to become second nature.

This part of the formula involves reading the Bible, hearing it preached in church, and seeking godly fellowship, among other things. The key idea is that wisdom comes from outside of us. You can’t find wisdom by looking within.

This idea is the opposite of Disney’s “follow your heart” ideology.

It conflicts with Obi-Wan Kenobi’s advice to “search your feelings.” It is altogether different from a self-esteem approach to education.

See Everything Change

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If you memorize only one passage from all of Proverbs, it should be Prov 4:20-27. This passage outlines the process of change. It shows us how to get unstuck. It describes how wisdom works in us.

Ages ago, I defined wisdom as a continual striving to know and do what the Bible says. We’ve considered at length what it looks like for us to travel this path of wisdom; now we learn how wisdom travels its path in us.

Mark this formula:

Wisdom comes in the ears, through the heart, and out the fingertips.

Wisdom isn’t so much about what you do as it is about who you are. Miss this fact, and you’ll jump to chapters 10-31 and read each proverb moralistically (contrary to the expectation set up in Prov. 1-9). So Prov. 10:1 becomes about keeping your parents happy. Prov. 11:22 appears to mean that beauty is only skin deep. And Prov. 25:21-22 encourages you to be nice to people and wait out your revenge.

Mark Tighe (2009), Creative Commons

Mark Tighe (2009), Creative Commons

Such approaches are not completely wrong. But when we understand the process of change—and especially the need for wisdom to land in our hearts before taking off into our actions—we see the wise instruction of Prov. 10-31 for what it is: the description of redeemed and transformed people. Not a list of behaviors that win approval from God or men.

To illustrate: We have a problem with water in our basement. We fixed a downspout. We re-routed a gutter. We installed a removal/drain system. We’ve guided the water’s behavior in the right direction. And we’ve reduced the flood to a puddle, but we haven’t yet solved the problem.

We need to dig. We’ll have to remove the deck so we can re-grade the soil beneath it. We need to get to the foundation so we can brace it against the buckling pressure.

That’s how wisdom works. It comes from outside and gets under your skin and into your heart. It penetrates the depths of your character and beliefs. Then it works its way out into your actions. It comes in the ears, through the heart, and out the fingertips.

Over the next 3 weeks, we’ll walk through Prov. 4:20-27 and explore each piece of the formula in greater depth.

Be Aware of the Path You Follow

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In Proverbs 4, Solomon explains how wisdom gives hope that anything can change. First, we must get wisdom at all costs. But to do so, we must know where to find it. Usually, remaining in bad patterns won’t help.

But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn,
Which shines brighter and brighter until full day.
The way of the wicked is like deep darkness;
They do not know over what they stumble (Prov 4:18-19, ESV).

Loco Steve (2007), Creative Commons

Loco Steve (2007), Creative Commons

In Prov 4:18-19, Solomon circles back for one last contrast between the hope of the righteous and the despair of the wicked. The path of the righteous faces the sunrise. Things might be a little hazy for you now; but stay the course, and it will brighten. You’ll gain more clarity, more conviction, and thus more hope for continued change.

Spelio (2005), Creative Commons

Spelio (2005), Creative Commons

If you choose the way of the wicked, you’re stuck in perpetual night. There’s a hint of mockery in the last line: “They do not know over what they stumble.” Those who tried to make others stumble (Prov 4:16) and failed against the righteous (Prov 4:12) now stumble themselves – without either realizing it or having any ability to remedy it. Folly and wickedness are both blinding and devastating, so, unfortunately, most travelers of this path don’t even understand the danger. As Waltke states:

The ignorance of both the nature and consequences of wickedness is the mark of absolute moral failure. [What they “stumble over”] refers to any agent that brings about the fatigue and death of the wicked. For example, many today see no connection between venereal disease and sexual immorality, between indulgent greed and national debt, between war and tribal thinking. Ultimately the agent is the LORD, who connects evil deeds with evil consequences. The wicked, however, cannot see the connection and die.[1]

Be aware of the path you follow, and know that what matters most is Christ. He endured the deepest darkness of God’s wrath so you could find life in him. If you stay where you are, things will never change. But in fearing the Lord, we have hope.

[1] Proverbs 1-15, pp.292-3. (Disclosure: This is an affiliate link, so if you click it and buy stuff from Amazon, your purchase will help support our site without any extra cost to you.)

An Example of Choosing the Road to Life

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Yesterday we saw the importance of looking for wisdom on the right path. Today I’d like to show you what it looks like to do this.

Charlie Barker (2011), Creative Commons

Charlie Barker (2011), Creative Commons

My friend Angie[1] struggled with manipulative, overbearing parents. She had become a Christian in college, and they did everything in their power to turn her back. They cut off her funding. They threatened to disown her. They prohibited contact with her siblings. She feared for her well-being and for her relationships. She felt truly stuck.

Angie’s instinct was to return to old patterns. She could give in by visiting on weekends and skipping church on Sunday. She could stop talking about faith in Christ. She could obey her parents’ every whim about who her friends could be, how to spend her money, and whether to be sexually active.

As she sought the Lord for counsel, however, she came to him with a listening ear and a teachable heart. She realized that things with her parents might get worse before they could get better, but that she had to honor the Lord and seek wisdom at all costs. She feared the Lord, and found hope that things could change.

The situation did in fact get worse. Angie’s parents did disown her. She had to move herself and her belongings to an undisclosed location and communicate with her parents through hand-written letters sent from her church’s address. Her church elders involved the police at appropriate times.

After a few years, however, walls started to come down. The heat calmed and healthy communication resumed. Her siblings grew to adulthood and found hope that they, too, could turn aside from bad patterns in the family. Some of them came to faith in Christ as a result. Her parents began attending church and hearing the gospel. One of them came to faith, and the other one is now actively considering Christ’s claims. Jesus broke in and brought life to this family, because this one young lady was willing to hold fast to him.

You, too, can get unstuck from whatever difficulties you face. Are you willing to choose the road to life?

[1] I’ve changed names and a few details to protect anonymity.

Choose the Road to Life

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To get unstuck from bad patterns, you should do whatever it takes to get wisdom. But where can you find it?

Hear, my son, and accept my words,
That the years of your life may be many.
I have taught you the way of wisdom;
I have led you in the paths of uprightness.
When you walk, your step will not be hampered,
And if you run, you will not stumble.
Keep hold of instruction; do not let go;
Guard her, for she is your life.
Do not enter the path of the wicked,
And do not walk in the way of the evil.
Avoid it; do not go on it;
Turn away from it and pass on.
For they cannot sleep unless they have done wrong;
They are robbed of sleep unless they have made someone stumble.
For they eat the bread of wickedness
And drink the wine of violence (Prov 4:10-17, ESV).

In this section, Solomon explains that there are only two possible trajectories in life: toward wisdom (Prov 4:11-13) or wickedness (Prov 4:14-17). If you are not on one path, you are on the other. Do you see why he just instructed us to do whatever it takes to get wisdom? The alternative is not worth it!

On the path of wisdom, you are more likely to live longer (Prov 4:10), honor God (Prov 4:11), avoid obstacles (Prov 4:12), and find life (Prov 4:13). On the path of wickedness, you are likely to find plenty of companionship (Prov 4:14-17) but not much else.

Notice how those on the way of evil end up becoming addicted to evil. Doing the wrong thing is the wicked person’s sedative (Prov 4:16) and sustenance (Prov 4:17); he just can’t live without it. He suffers from the worst kind of substance abuse.

Torben Hansen (2008), Creative Commons

Torben Hansen (2008), Creative Commons

Solomon is not saying that every person on this path is that evil; he’s saying that everyone on this path is on the way to becoming that evil. By illustrating the end of the road, he warns us to stay away. He’s like a police officer cautioning a teenage driver not to speed – not because every instance of speeding will produce disaster; but because, as he grows more reckless, he brings himself closer to the impending disaster without even realizing it.

What’s the point? You can’t toy with evil. You shouldn’t make friends with folly. Trusting yourself is never a good idea. The way to life is found in hearing and accepting God’s words (Prov 4:1). You can’t keep doing what you’re doing and hope to get unstuck. You’ve got to turn (Prov 4:15) and make a radical break from the norm before you’ll experience lasting change. Once you do, however, the way forward often becomes clear and effective.

Do Whatever it Takes to Get Wisdom

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David was Solomon’s chief role model, and here’s what he taught his son.

“Get wisdom; get insight;
Do not forget, and do not turn away from the words of my mouth.
Do not forsake her, and she will keep you;
Love her, and she will guard you.
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom,
And whatever you get, get insight.
Prize her highly, and she will exalt you;
She will honor you if you embrace her.
She will place on your head a graceful garland;
She will bestow on you a beautiful crown” (Prov 4:5-9, ESV).

David’s instruction is not all that complicated. I would paraphrase it like this:

Prov 4:5: Get wisdom!
Prov 4:6: It will guard you from trouble.
Prov 4:7: I mean it; get wisdom! Do whatever it takes!
Prov 4:8-9: You’ll be respected and honored by everyone who knows you.

It sounds like great advice for children like little Solomon who don’t carry much life baggage yet, but how can it help those who feel stuck? What would it look like to get wisdom at any cost? Jesus compares the Kingdom of Heaven to a treasure hidden in a field. A man who finds it “goes and sells all that he has and buys that field” (Matt 13:44). Malcolm XMalcolm X believed human rights to be worth acquiring “by any means necessary.” Solomon’s approach to wisdom is similar (without implying any violence, of course). What resources are available to you? Proverbs 4:5-9 doesn’t give many specifics, but here are some ideas from elsewhere in the Bible:

  1. Fear the Lord (Prov 1:7). Take your need to him. Wisdom (and change) always begins here.
  2. Hope it can change (1 Peter 1:3). Such hope is always a choice. You’re not a victim to your despair.
  3. Resolve to pay any cost (Prov 23:23). Do you want it to change? Are you willing to risk anything? Will you give all you have to find wisdom, seek help, and make the necessary changes?
  4. Immerse yourself in Scripture (Ps 1:1-3). What matters most is what God has to say to you. Search the Bible for answers to your questions. Learn how to study it. What time of day are you at your best? Give the Lord that time, and develop the habit of reading and studying his Word.
  5. Engage in a community of wisdom (Heb 10:24-25). Find a good church where the Bible is taught and Jesus’ life, death, resurrection, and rescue for sinners are central. Find a mature mentor who can help you to connect the Word of God to your life.
  6. Practice wisdom (Phil 4:9). Remember that wisdom is not just about thinking godly thoughts. It’s about living godly lives. Talk to people about what you’re learning. Ask others what they’re learning. Spend time with non-Christians and look for ways to share about Christ. As you practice these things, write down any lessons or questions that arise, and discuss them with your church or your mentor.
  7. Do whatever it takes (2 Cor 6:1-2). What other ideas do you have? As Derek Kidner writes, “What it takes is not brains or opportunity, but decision. Do you want it? Come and get it.”[1]

[1] Kidner, Proverbs, p.67. (Disclosure: This is an affiliate link, so if you click it and buy stuff from Amazon, your purchase will help support our site without any added cost for you.)

Wisdom is Infectious, Not Contagious

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There’s hope that anything can change. But first you must get wisdom.

Hear, O sons, a father’s instruction,
And be attentive, that you may gain insight,
For I give you good precepts;
Do not forsake my teaching.
When I was a son with my father,
Tender, the only one in the sight of my mother,
He taught me
And said to me,
“Let your heart hold fast my words;
Keep my commandments, and live” (Prov 4:1-4, ESV).

We can tell Solomon wants to get our attention because the first verse says, “be attentive,” and because it begins with “Hear, O sons,” rather than the usual “Hear, my son” (Prov 1:8). Would you like to get unstuck? Pay attention to what comes next.

After Solomon exhorts the reader to hear his instruction, he backs up the exhortation with a bit of autobiography. We’re transported back to the days when little Schlomo sat by the hearth and heard his father David talk about life. The most memorable advice was this: Hold on to my words (Prov 4:4) and get wisdom (Prov 4:5). This little story is noteworthy for at least two reasons.

1. It shows that the reason Solomon asked God for wisdom (1 Kings 3:5-9) was because Papa David told him to.

It’s easy to think Solomon’s request came out of nowhere, as though he had a flash of genius that just happened to coincide with the night when God made him the offer of a lifetime. No, instead, as we learn here, David had trained Solomon to do whatever it might take to get wisdom. Solomon was ready to ask God for it. Like Solomon, we must be taught to love and seek wisdom; it doesn’t happen naturally. Wisdom is an acquired taste, cultivated by people who have good examples to follow.

2. It implies that, if we want to inspire others to love wisdom, we must live it out and pass it on, just as David did for Solomon.

I’m not saying that David was perfect. He influenced his son both for good (loving wisdom) and ill (loving too many women). Solomon’s chief memory, however, was of his father’s quest for wisdom. It inspired him deeply.

NIAID (2011), Creative Commons

NIAID (2011), Creative Commons

To influence others, we, too, must quest for wisdom. Love for wisdom is infectious, not contagious. In other words, it doesn’t catch very easily; it requires close personal contact to be transmitted. For instance, parents ought to practice what they preach; they should be both open to learning and quick to ask forgiveness when they sin against their children. Leaders ought to tell tasteful stories about themselves to illustrate key ideas; people generally won’t get the point until they can see how it has personally affected the teacher. To save us, God didn’t hand over a philosophy or rulebook. He became a man and stood in our place, showing us in the process how to live wisely.

The first step to getting unstuck is to find good models who inspire you with hope and point you to Jesus as your wisdom. If you are a leader of any sort, your words will never be enough; you must visibly demonstrate the wisdom you seek to impart.